City Life IELTS Writing Task 2
Nowadays, a lot of people immigrate to((move to, please note that immigration means changing your country.)) urban areas in order to get handsome jobs((“Handsome” is not a good collocation for “job”. We have handsome salary, income, price, payment, etc.)). Although it is an opportunity for job seekers, it has some detrimental effects on the society. This essay deals with these issues and also some solutions are proposed for the betterment of this condition.
Excessive movement of people to capital cities gives rise to many problems. First of all, the urban areas become crowded unexpectedly. So, traffic jam, air pollution, noisy atmosphere, and the lack of((lack of / a lack of)) accommodation are some of the issues that jeopardize standard of living in urban areas noticeably. Moreover, the price of everything, especially rent prices, goes up in capital cities and it brings about a gap between dwellers of((it’s better to say: the dwellers of)) big cities and people in((it’s better to say: the people in, as they are almost known to us)) rural areas in terms of social etiquette and manners((Please refer to my analysis in the section of Reasoning)). From psychological vantage point((from a psychological vantage point)), in such condition, people in capital cities have a sense of superiority over others and in other words((Do not use “and” before “in other words”)), big cities become the center of attention which is intolerable to the people who live in the country.
Nevertheless, some strategies can be adopted to keep the balance of populations((It’s better to write: population.)) in different cities. For instance, establishing firms and factories in rural areas can encourage the job seekers to stay in their own regions. Also, the government can offer subsidies to business owners to found branches in the countryside. In doing so, most of people prefer to stay in their own cities((It must be: “in their own regions” because you are giving some solutions so that people living in the countryside would not rush to cities.))
In conclusion, movements of the young to the urban areas for finding a job induces((induce)) some problems((it’s better to say: cause / create / arouse some problems.)), however some steps can be implemented so as to prevent these issues.
- Coherence: Good
- Cohesion: Above average
- Grammar: Good
- In your second paragraph, you have tried to convince the reader that there must be a gap between city and country dwellers in terms of social etiquette due to expenditure fluctuations. I don’t see any strong logical link between high costs of life and acceptable social behaviors. Even the following paragraph about city dwellers’ superiority is not germane to the concept of social etiquette.
- Essay Analysis:
- Your conclusion is rather too short and unspecific.
- Word Count: “264” Excellent!