IELTS essay on overweight people with full essay model + essay question submitted to us by our members with full analysis and scoring. Join our members at LELB Society and submit your IELTS essays for thorough evaluation.
IELTS essay question on overweight people
The rate of obesity, particularly childhood obesity, is increasing at a rapid pace.
What could be the underlying cause of obesity in society?
What solutions can you offer to the issue of overweightness?
IELTS essay on overweight people
Obesity is concern as a medical problem when the amount of fat in somebody’s body is high. Obesity increases the risk of other diseases such as high blood pressure, diabetes, heart diseases and other health problems.
- Concern (as a noun) is not used in this way. Check your dictionary, please.
- This is a good way to start your first introduction by giving an overview of the technical term, which is obesity. However, you have not mentioned anything about the topic sentence, which is the underlying cause of obesity, in your introductory paragraph.
Nowadays obesity has come a major problem for most of the countries around the world, specially the rate of childhood obesity, is increasing at a rapid pace. Lots of scientists and doctors are searching to find a solution. It is said that lack of exercise, unhealthy diet, environmental issues and genetics are the fundamental causes of obesity.
- become
- You should know the functional distinctions between ‘especially’ and ‘specially’. You can request clarification (if you don’t know’ as a comment below or use our English language forum to ask us any English questions you might have.
- It’s cool to see you’re implementing the repetition of keywords in your essay.
- “Lot of” is too informal, and IELTS examiners generally don’t like this phrase.
- Solution to what? to the issue of obesity
- Fundamental is a good adjective in this context.
- This paragraph makes a much better introductory paragraph.
Having enough activity per day, has become a real challenge for people these days particularly for young generation. After the Covid-19 pandemic, the rate has increased. Works and schools has become online and most of the children plays and entertainments has become indoor activities. Playing Play Station 4 and 5 and other video game consoles, watching cartoons and movies from platforms and so on. It is obvious that after a while, it is easy to gain weight.
- There should not be any comma between the subject and the verb in a sentence.
- days, particularly
- the young generation
- Which rate has increased? Each sentence must be semantically independent by itself.
- Workplaces, factories, offices, companies, etc.
- has = have
- children’s
- play (entertainment) is singular.
- have
- The whole phrase in red is regarded as a sentence, while it is NOT. It doesn’t have any verb, and it should be used as an example of the previous sentence by words like: e.g., for instance, etc.
So what can be done in order to reduce the amount of overweightness?
- This is not based on the standard format of the IELTS essays to compose 1-sentence paragraphs.
First of all everybody should start from themselves, it is essential that people now what diseases come along with obesity. Then is the time of action. You can take part in online sport classes for exercising at home or choose a sport and continue it. You can also easily go to a nutrition doctor to get help. And of course exercising is not everything; you should be aware of your diet too. If the amount of take in calories is higher than burn calories, you are not going to lose weight.
- First of all,
- know
- Then it is the time to take action.
- calories that you take in / intake calories
- burnt
Having enough amount of exercise and activity is not just to have a fit body and be in a good shape, but also to be energetic and have a healthier life and prevent the incoming diseases. We should take care of our body for it is a gift and it is going to accompany us our whole life. And also it helps us tp have more confidence and have a better attitude to the world and our life.
- incoming disease = not a good collocation
- You’re presenting new ideas in your concluding paragraph, while you should re-echo, restate or summarize the old ideas.
Analysis and scoring
- Analysis
- The start of your essay was better than its end.
- Cohesion and coherence: 15 of 25%
- Grammatical range and accuracy: 12 of 25%
- Lexical resources: 14 of 25%
- Task achievement: 18 of 25%
- Spelling: Alright
- Punctuation: OK
- Word count: “352” Rather too long
- Time on Essay Writing: 45 min
- 5 minutes more than the allowed time
- Band score: 5.5 of 9
