IELTS Essay Sample | Caged Birds

IELTS Essay Sample | Caged Birds

IELTS Essay Sample | Caged Birds

IELTS Essay Sample | Caged Birds

• Your essay should include at least 250 words.
• You should spend approximately 40 minutes on this task.
• In this task, your ability to respond to a topic, generate relevant ideas, outline problems and offer solutions to the problems based on your experience and reasoning is measured.
• IELTS Writing Task 2, compared to IELTS Writing Task 1, carries more weight in scoring.

Topic:

Some people like to keep birds in cages at home. Conversely, some animal welfarists contend that birds should not be caged. To which group do you belong? Please provide reasons for your argument.

The Essayist: Arash

In these days, some people tend to keep birds in cages at home which is not acceptable from some welfarists that claim birds should not be caged. I personally believe that we are not allowed to keep birds in cages because all of the creatures have the right to live freely in nature.

From my point of view, we cannot keep birds in cages because of one clear reason, they belong to nature and if we hold them in a cage we just interfere in their nature. In addition, we do not have the consent to change the balance of nature with keeping birds in cages. Their nature and also their nurture are relatively like us which means they want to fly over the sky freely and without any force. Moreover, a cage is completely like an irritating prison for humans. Do we like to hold us in a prison? So they also do not like to live in an annoying prison even if it is made of gold.

Furthermore, they are really useful to the human when they are outside because of some reasons. First of all, some of them try to eliminate some vermin and pests as their feeds and it could be very helpful for farmers. Second of all, birds’ excreta is rich in uric acid which can readily convert to ammonia which is a fertile manure to plants. The birds around the farm may contribute less to the manure. But the waste from poultry if added to the soil, it greatly enhances the fertility.

To conclude, all of the people have to know that they are responsible for nature and they are not allowed to keep birds in cages because of mentioned reasons.

Error Correction:

• Paragraph 1:
  • Line 1: welfarist :arrow: animal welfarist
    
• Paragraph 2:
  • Line 2: if we hold them in a cage :arrow: consider a comma after ‘cage’ because of the if-clause
  • With keeping birds in :arrow: by / through keeping birds in …
  • Line 3: their nature and also their nurture :arrow: both their nature and nurture (recommended by me)
  • Line 3: without any force :arrow: without any limitation / restriction / constraint
    • It refers to something that you like to do, but you are inhibited from experiencing it.
  • Line 4: Do we like us to hold in :arrow: do we like to be captivated / confined / kept in a prison
  • Line 5: even if it is made of gold :arrow: excellent analogy, bravo!
• Paragraph 3:
  • Line 1: They ::arrow: birds
    • You are starting a new paragraph and you should clarify what you mean.
  • Line 1: useful to the human :arrow: useful to humans
  • Line 1: when they are outside :arrow: when they are free / outside cages
  • Line 2: their feeds :arrow: feed
    • Feed (animal food) is uncountable.
  • Line 3: a fertile manure to plants :arrow: fertile manure for plants
    • Manure is uncountable.
  • Line 4: it greatly enhances the fertility :arrow: can greatly enhance fertility / the fertility of the farms
    • The subject of this sentence is “the waste from poultry”.
• Paragraph 4:
  • Line 1: have to :arrow: should / ought to
    • Have to is too strong.
  • Line 2: mentioned reasons :arrow: above-mentioned / aforementioned reasons
• Choice of Words (Diction): Good and above average
  
• Coherence: Good
  
• Cohesion: Average
  
• Grammar: Slightly above average
  
• Reasoning: Great
  
• Word Count: “287” Excellent