IELTS Essay Sample 88 | Child Labor

IELTS Essay Sample 88 | Child Labor

IELTS Essay Sample 88 | Child Labor

IELTS Essay Sample 88 | Child Labor

• Your essay should include at least 250 words.
• You should spend approximately 40 minutes on this task.
• In this task, your ability to respond to a topic, generate relevant ideas, outline problems and offer solutions to the problems based on your experience and reasoning is measured.
• IELTS Writing Task 2, compared to IELTS Writing Task 1, carries more weight in scoring.

Topic

It is appalling to see that, in many parts of the world, children are still exploited in tough working conditions, instead of going to school. Explain the dire consequences of child labor in extreme conditions.

The Essayist: Arash

In today’s world, many people are trying to provide a better life for themselves and they ignore the number of children that should work hard to get adequate money for buying a little food. In my opinion, they should continue their education in a suitable environment to become a useful person for their society, otherwise, there are a lot of terrible consequences they face them soon.

From my point of view, the most sadness consequence is that they do not have a completely healthy life because the majority of them are living in an undesirable place such as streets, parks, etc. In addition, if they cannot study they are not able to build a good society because they did not learn before that how they should communicate with people and how they can prepare themselves for future.

Furthermore, most of them become a burglar because they do not have other choice and in this situation, the society will be damaged. In my opinion, governments are able to change this terrible condition in a simple way. They should try to change the constitutions about this issue and consider a law that governments have to help them with paying a monthly salary which they can prepare their basic needs and also pay their school tuition fees.

To conclude, all children have this right to build their life on their own, however, they need a little help and attention that they can put it in an action and explore their abilities to the world.

Error Correction:

• Paragraph 1, Line 2: use ‘children’ instead of ‘they’
  
• Paragraph 1, Line 2: ‘continue’? What if some children never start any school education?
• Paragraph 1, Line 3: to become useful people, in reference to children
• Paragraph 1, Line 3: … terrible consequences they will have to face soon (omit ‘them’)
• Paragraph 2, Line 1: the most serious / disastrous consequence
• Paragraph 2, Line 1: they cannot / will not be able to
• Paragraph 2, Line 3: The sentence is a conditional sentence Type 1. You cannot use simple past tense in the main clause. You can say: … they do not know how to communicate with other people …
• Paragraph 3, Line 1: It’s not fair to conclude that most of these children will become burglars. Besides, burglars (plural)
• Paragraph 3, Line 1: other choices
• Paragraph 3, Line 3: a law according to which the governments should help the children …
• Paragraph 3, Line 3: … salary through which they can …
• Paragraph 4, Line 1: their lives
• Paragraph 4, Lines 1-2: … to make this dream come true
• Paragraph 4, Line 2: put sth into action, which does not fit into the context semantically
• Paragraph 4, Line 2: You cannot explore your abilities to the world, you can prove or show them. It’s not clear.
• You have overused the pronouns, they, them, etc., in place of exploited children. Repetition of key words is an important principle.
• Choice of Words (Diction): So simple. You need to use more difficult words.
  
• Coherence: Due to ungrammaticality, there are some unclear parts.
  
• Cohesion: Overusing pronouns and not using the key words, so, somehow ambiguous in some parts
  
• Grammar: You need to improve your grammar. There are lots of basic grammar violations.
  
• Reasoning: OK. However, your conclusion is not clear as I have explained.
  
• Word Count: “251” Fair enough