Paternity Leave | An IELTS Essay Sample

Paternity Leave | An IELTS Essay Sample

Paternity Leave | An IELTS Essay Sample

Topic

In some countries, paternity leave is considered to be a unique fringe benefit for new fathers, whereas most governments do not openly advocate for it. What is your opinion about it? Please support your claim with reasons.

The Essayist: Sasan

Nowadays, paternity leave is a controversial topic in different countries. some approve of that though some take the opposite position. I personally concur with this paid leave.

In the past, the task of upbringing was undertaken by mothers predominantly, whereas today the process has been changed to a great extent. Psychologists have figured out that the role of fathers are as vital as mothers in rearing offspring. Also, statistics have shown that the absence of fathers could bring about severe repercussions and children may fall prey into gender deviance, material abuse, and delinquency, to mention just a few. So, it seems to me that fathers must take part in raising children even from the beginning. Moreover, in some countries, families include one parent (mothers) that this clue divulges that the integral role of fathers have been undermined. Hence, in my view, paternity leave is a head start for the inculcation of the fathers’ roles in people.

Error Correction:

• Paragraph 2, Line 2: the role of fathers “is” as vital as mothers’ (with an apostrophe to refer to the mothers’ role)
• A great part of your essay is based on the role of fathers in the process of upbringing. However, this does not seem to be really significant in response to paternal leave. As a matter of fact, the principal objective of paternal leave is not bringing up the children, but look after the new mother and the baby. Consequently, the points you made about ‘gender deviance’, ‘material abuse’, etc. do not appear to be rooted in lack of paternal leave that generally lasts for a couple of months if present. In short, paternal leave should not be equalized to raising children.
• Paragraph 2, Last line: has been undermined :arrow: (referring to the role of fathers)
• Upon studying your essay, I should declare that the main purpose of paternal leave is to assist the new mother with taking care of the baby so that she can pass the first days after the delivery, which are by far really difficult for her.
• This essay has not been developed based on adequate logic.