IELTS Essay on Welfare Programs for Band 9

IELTS Essay on Welfare Programs

IELTS Essay on Welfare Programs

Topic

Some developing countries receive constant financial support from international welfare programs to sustain their economic growth. Some people maintain that this financial assistance should be replaced with professional consultation and advice from developed countries.
Discuss both views and express your opinions.

Essayist: hamad Alduaij

In the 21st century the world is moving closer and closer towards globalization, and that caused the way countries interact to evolve. Developed countries benefit financially from developing countries through a strong mutual trade relationship. However, to maximize the trade potential, the developed countries may need to initiate international programs to boost the economy of the countries they sell to. There are two competing approaches those international programs can take in developing the economy of developing countries. One possible approach is to provide them with financial assistance to boost their economic growth, while the other approach is to provide them with professional advice so that they can follow in the footsteps of the developed countries.

• Place a comma after country.
• has caused
• interact with each other
• growing the economy of developing
• In your introductory paragraph, you just need to present a background and a thesis statement. You’ve presented so much information.

I can see advantages and disadvantages in both approaches. The first approach would accelerate the growth by providing capital that enables those countries to import cutting-edge technologies, and advanced products. That will allow them to bypass the process of reinventing the wheel and redeveloping basic products, that they would not have been able to purchase without the financial aid. However, the disadvantage is that it’s not certain that the money will be spent strategically or effectively, as the developing countries might lack economic planning suitable to deal with the influx of investment money. That could manifest in an increase in corruption or wasteful utilization of their capital. In summary the first approach may lead to instantaneous growth, but it does not gurauntee effective or sustainable growth.

• developing countries – repetition of keywords and phrases
• products, which …
• it is – Avoid contractions.
• invested money
• manifest itself – Manifest is transitive.
• In summary,

In my opinion the second approach would enable the countries to improve their financial management in a stable sustainable manner, but it may not provide them with the means of catching up with developed countries within a reasonable time frame. As even with proper managment the developing countries will have to make up many years of handicap in terms of technological gap. That will cause a delay in the time it takes for the developing countries to reach a financial status with which they will be able to beneficially trade with developed countries.

• In my opinion,
• developing countries
• management
• gaps / a … gap

Thus, in conclusion both approaches have their own advantages and disadvantages, and I personally believe it’s important to do them both.Financial aid will ensure developing countries have access to the required capital to improve their economy, and financial consultation will help make sure it’s effectively spend

• it is
• spent.
• implement them both. (space)

Assessment

• Band score = 9 of 9
•  Analysis:
  • Your first paragraph is not indicative of your position to the essay question.
• Cohesion and Cohesion (23% of 25%)
  • You could use more conjunctions among some sentences to provide a better transition.
• Grammatical Range and Accuracy (24% of 25%)
• Lexical Resources (25% of 25%)
• Task Achievement (21% of 25%)
  • Your position to the question is not clear neither in your introductory nor concluding paragraph.
• Spelling: Excellent
• Punctuation: Almost perfect
• Word Count: “380” Great! Some parts seem redundant, though.