IELTS – TOEFL Preparation Course | Session 21
Topic
Many of the medical problems that people are experiencing in today’s world are due to the fact that we have a very sedentary lifestyle. To what extent to you agree?
In today’s world, most people prefer to do their works in a simple way such as using the internet and it is because that the technology has progressed in the last decades. In my opinion, there are so many merits when you use the technology. For instance, you can save your time and do everything as quick as a flash or also you can manage your bureau from a remote area. However, if you do not have some physical exercise or even walking enough; many health problems await you. From my point of view, we should keep a balance between stimulus and exercises to have a healthy body.
These days, desk-bound lifestyles have triggered many illnesses. Although this perspective is controversial I do agree with it.
To back up my point of view, today, there is a rat race competition among people worldwide and as a result everybody lacks time and a huge amount of people follow sedentary lifestyle. In fact, this type of lifestyle brings about many problems such as a paucity of physical activities, depression, preoccupation, etc. Moreover, as people follow a sedentary lifestyle and do not have enough time they go thorough processed foods which put the public health on the verge of collapse.
Line 2: It’s better to use a comma at the end of the dependent clause starting with ‘although’.
Line 4: lack time :arrow: lack enough time (my recommendation)
Line 5: preoccupation with WHAT?
Line 6: go through (a misspelling, I guess)
In today’s world, most people prefer to do their works in a simple way such as using the internet and it is because that the technology has progressed in the last decades. In my opinion, there are so many merits when you use the technology. For instance, you can save your time and do everything as quick as a flash or also you can manage your bureau from a remote area. However, if you do not have some physical exercises or even walking enough; many health problems await you. From my point of view, we should keep a balance between stimulus and exercises to have a healthy body.
The first 4 lines of your contribution have been allocated to the role of technology, which is rather too much. Technology is just obliquely related to the main topic being discussed.
Line 5: if you do not have enough walking
Last line: The word ‘stimulus’ is unclear here.
Hi. Thank you so much.
Anytime.